Mackenzie Carose

The Road I am Taking: Vision Board 2022

By Mackenzie 5 Comments

I went back and forth in December, hemmed and hawed a bit, wondering if I was indeed going to make a vision board for 2022. I made one for 2020 and then the world went mad and so only a few things came to fruition that year. 2021 seemed to repeat a bit on the same lines as 2020, so I did not make a new vision board and just kept my eyes on the old 2020 one.

But I felt a change in my spirit and wanted something tangible to reflect what I felt stirring inside me, so I hauled out my magazines, glue, and posterboard and got to work creating a bit of magic for myself.

A definition of REBIRTH: “The action of reappearing or starting to flourish after a decline; revival”.

A definition of RENEWAL: “An instance of resuming an activity or state after an interruption”.

These are the words that kept running through my head in the latter parts of December and what I really wanted to manifest for 2022. An awakening of sorts.

And here is what I created:

I gravitated towards photographs and words that immediately spoke to me…

I am obsessed with all the words and phrases I found, especially “trusting that where you are today matters for who you’ll be tomorrow” and “let the light in”. I also love trees and it was important to have that and flowers which in their very growth, symbolize renewal and rebirth.

The woman surrounded by the light as well as the black and white photo signify, to be me and to love all the nuances that make up ME. To let that positivity in and to be completely comfortable in my skin.

“Coming Home” communicates that I want to come home to myself. Trees have rings in them that you can see once they have been cut. Well, I have been knocked down and I have had my share of trauma, my own “cuts” so to speak. I am learning and continuing to learn to be okay with who I am and to trust myself. I am coming home.

Part of my renewal includes continuing on my path of healthy living. More cooking from scratch with the addition of a nice number of plant-based meals and including yoga into my already established work-out routines. I feel that I am blooming as a flower does and incorporated flowers to reflect that.

Writing and photography are a part of me and something I obviously want to do more of, so I have included that. The French book along with the phrase “Mais Oui!” encapsulate my long-held desire to learn French and I think this is the year to finally start that. And I adore the photograph of the girl walking alone in the sunlight because it looks like she is dancing to the beat of her own drum which I aspire to, to have that kind of confidence.

Again, with my beloved trees with the words “In need of a new outlook”. Yes. Absolutely.

This is the year that the caterpillar becomes the butterfly.

Renewal. Rebirth. Awakening. Joy. Love. Peace.

Cheers to making this life count.

I Can and I Did: End of the Year Recap

By Mackenzie 3 Comments

2020 seemed to take ages to get through and 2021 seems like a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it year, and yet here we are. I am not a “resolutions” type of person because most often they don’t work and then you just end up feeling bad towards the end of January that you have zero self-control and who has time for that?

No, I like to choose a word or phrase to help me through the next twelve months and any decisions I make towards my well-being are reflected in that phrase. For 2021, I chose the phrase I Can.

Lest you think I conquered the world and was super productive and just kicked the crap out of my to-do list, I appreciate your belief in my abilities but that is not what happened. I didn’t set out to take the world by storm, but I did set out to believe in myself and stop believing the lies that my self-esteem, when battered, would tell me.

I believed I could, so I did.

What I said in January: “I can do hard things. I can do it. Self-limiting beliefs have not helped me so far, nor will they ever. No one limits me. I’ve limited myself. And I am done with that. No more ‘I can’t’, only I can”.

I choose myself. I admire people who have buckets of self-esteem and although I may never overflow with affirmations of how awesome a person I am, I believe in myself now and know that I am truly capable of doing amazing things. I took back control of my life from the periphery where it was currently existing.

Big and small, these changes added up:

(*) I worked on my anxiety

(*) I worked on my mental health

(*) I worked on my physical health

One significant thing that has helped in keeping with my healthy habits is that I no longer drink alcohol. I no longer drink and that has been beneficial to me both mentally and physically.

I also really and truly got back into blogging which has been great for connecting with different people across the board. Something I have felt as I have gotten older is that I need connection. I am a huge introvert and enjoy being at home most of all, but I am finding that I feel adrift in a raft in the middle of the ocean if I am not connecting even if it is just online (thanks post-2020 living). I missed aligning with fellow bloggers and it felt important to me to get back on track with that.

I believe that the past almost two years of pandemic living have shown us what is and isn’t working in our lives. Maybe wounds that we thought were healed were ripped right open. Maybe the way we have been living hasn’t aligned with our values. Maybe we were feeling unfulfilled. Maybe we were just tired of being tired.

I understand all of it. Sometimes we just have to start over. This I firmly believe. Instead of feeling stuck and feeling like I couldn’t make changes, I said “I can” and I did. “Giving up and starting over doesn’t mean you are less of a person because you didn’t get it right the first time. Sometimes the ‘try again and again’ part happens over and over.”

I decided this year to take a creativity course to really give me the proverbial kick in the pants to give this whole writing thing a shot. I enjoy stringing words together and expressing myself and encouraging others. Instead of lamenting that everyone else is better and who am I to think that I could do this, or do I really have the time while raising children, I just jumped in and signed up. I said I can, and I did. I responded back and said YES.

Change is hard but necessary. Changing your mindset is hard but necessary.

There have certainly been ups and downs this year. I have had to deal with my father’s declining physical heath which has been difficult mentally. Parenting during this past pandemic year has not been for the faint-hearted. Trying to keep all the proverbial balls in the air when it feels at times that you are hanging on by a thread, has indeed been difficult. I have cried so much this year. But I also have found an inner resilience that has kept me going when nothing else has. Me. I have depended on me. Who can do hard things? Me. Who gets the floor knocked out from under her but gets back up? Me. How? Why? Because I can.

I am not the same person I was even a year ago. I still have bad days but I rise stronger from them.

What I wrote exactly twelve months ago: “That in the end I am going to be okay. It means that I am taking back control of my life and that ‘survival mode’ is not a way to live. I am changing and maybe 2020 was a catalyst for that change, who knows. But I know that I can’t stay the same and that is a GOOD thing”.

Indeed it is.

Anywhere But Here

By Mackenzie 2 Comments

The term wanderlust is defined as the desire to wander or travel with the core word wander meaning to move about aimlessly or to travel over. I have never had the desire to travel aimlessly or even travel extensively with an aim and a purpose in mind, but I have wanted to leave and go anywhere but here.

I am a California girl, born and raised. Lest you think my feelings regarding my home state veer towards the negative, I assure you that is not the case. Many people call the “Golden State” their home for a reason and there are many pros to calling this state home.

However…

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to live somewhere else. At my truest core, I am a fall and winter person. I love cold weather and always thrive amongst lower temperatures. When it does actually deign to rain here in Southern California, I am at my most happiest. When the Fahrenheit scale starts climbing above 85 degrees every day from July through the beginning of October, I am here physically but, in my mind, I am elsewhere dreaming of cable knit cardigans.

I never thought when I was younger that at this point in my life, I would still be in California. I thought I would definitely have some snow packed winters under my belt by now. Flannel sheets? Check. Wood for my fireplace? Check. Snow boots, snow tires, snow shovel and a carrot for the nose of the snowman we are making in the front yard? Check. Check all the winter boxes please and thank you.

Why am I still here under the glaring sunlight of California’s rays you ask? Why haven’t I fulfilled my dream of drinking hot chocolate whilst actually roasting chestnuts on an open fire? (I’ve always wanted to do that by the way).

Because life inevitably happens. I have a family and my husband has a great job that he enjoys. While he is on board with my dream of truly having a white Christmas one day, right now I have to vicariously live through other people and their magical winter wonderlands (thanks Instagram!) When the song says “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…”, I really am!

Until I can make my cold weather loving dream a reality, I will don my sunglasses and put on my sunscreen to go take my kids to see Santa. Right now, an iced Frappuccino sounds better than a caffe americano. The weather at this time of year can vary but most days the short-sleeved shirt wins over a long-sleeved shirt. It is what it is.

But someday! Someday the change in temperature will usher in Autumn and I will be there for it. Someday the crunching of leaves underfoot will make me smile. Someday the first snowfall of the season will be celebrated. Someday I will wake up to a winter wonderland.

Someday. Someday. Someday.