Mackenzie Carose

Getting Back to Who You Were

By Mackenzie 5 Comments

I have this quote that has been saved on my phone for quite a while and I shared it recently on Instagram:

It’s so funny how so much of “finding yourself” in adulthood is simply getting back to who you were and what you loved as a child.

I find this quote apropos to me and my life because for several months, I felt lost as to what I wanted to do or accomplish. I spoke more about dealing with these unexpected feelings in Here, There, and Everywhere. I was feeling at the time that I should be doing big, giant things, but what were they exactly? I didn’t know. But I couldn’t stop this knowing that I had deep down inside that there was more for me, and I just had to tap into what exactly that was. Subconsciously, I had to let what was meant for me and my life’s path just bubble up to the surface and make its presence known. Which it did… eventually.

Look at the quote above again. Now look specifically at the part where it says, “getting back to who you were and what you loved as a child”. What did I love as a child? Well, reading was number 1 for sure. I can’t live without books! But what else did I love? WRITING. I loved to write. When I was younger, I wrote poems and songs and saved them all in this notebook. I loved words. Words could transform a simple sentence into something breathtaking. Words could make you feel things. Words have the power to heal.

I have always wanted to write.

I enjoy blogging and this platform because I get to do what I enjoy. But in the midst of all the turmoil in my head about what I should or shouldn’t be doing all those months ago, I lost sight of what sparks my creativity. Sometimes we lose our way and that is okay. It is something that happens more than not. But I knew this rut I was in and these feelings I was feeling were trying to tell me something. So I dove in, headfirst, leaning into the feeling and not ignoring it.

While this feeling was percolating in the background, I listened to a lot of podcasts and read different motivational and/or self-help books. I looked at people whom I admire, and asked myself what was it about them that I admired so much? Why did I find value in what they were saying and the message they were elucidating? What was pushing forth towards the surface?

Guys, all the people I admired were writers. What they were saying and sharing reminded me of what I want to say and share and what I continue to do, even right now. Those months of me trying to find myself when really, I was here the whole time, typing away, doing my thing. Sharing. Words.

Sharing words. That is me. That is what I enjoy doing. I write on a blog, and I hope to be able to share my work in other places as well. But man, when that epiphany came, I almost cried tears of joy because I had been standing in my own way, spiraling because I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing when I really, I had been doing it the whole time.

Freedom.

If what I am saying resonates with you and you are feeling stuck like something else is out there, but you don’t know what, I encourage you to think about what you liked doing when you were a child. Did you enjoy painting? Playing outside? Were you one of those that liked to rearrange their room over and over? Maybe you are interested in interior design. The point is, is it doesn’t have to be some huge thing, nor does it necessitate a career change, but if you are missing and/or needing a creative outlet, think about what brought you joy when you were younger.

Joy can be found in the unexpected.

Lessons Learned from a Simple Room Rearrangement

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This past January after all the bustle of the holidays was well indeed in the rearview, I decided I wanted to rearrange our combination living room and dining room area and move things around. We had lived with it, and it was fine. Until it wasn’t.

Placing a sofa near a particular window in January when the sun sets around 4:30 p.m., is much different than having the sun still drilling a hole in your eyeball at 7:30 p.m. in the summer. Apartment blinds try to do the best they can but can only do so much in combating the fiery brilliance of the sun. The flow to the space was also off and it felt like you had to do some sort of weird tango to get from one side of the room to the other. I also wanted the sofa to face our patio and have that view to look out at as I drink my morning coffee, so a room rearrangement was definitely in order.

With my husband’s help, because couches are heaaaaavvvvvy, the room is more functionable and the space more inviting. I have a view of our hummingbird feeder which is nice to see when the hummingbirds are utilizing it and I can see my plants which in the summer sun, are blooming to their fullest extent.

In the midst of all of these niceties that come with changing up one’s space, I learned some lessons along the way.

(*) Flow is important. Furniture placement is fundamental to how a room works. Too many furniture pieces and you are constantly bumping into them. Too little and you have nowhere to place your very important cup of coffee. You have to live in the room as well as be able to move around in it. Previously, the room felt tight, and we lacked the ability to freely move as we normally would. Winding oneself around furniture to get to the back patio door, is not something I would recommend. Now the space feels plentiful and open.

(*) Window views are everything. Morning light versus afternoon light. How do the changing hours affect the space? We learned this lesson definitively over the past 6 months. The morning light is soft and calming, the afternoon sun, harsh and unforgiving. No one should get a sunburn simply from sitting on the sofa at the wrong time of day so moving one of them against the window as opposed to facing the window, made a world of difference. Outdoor views of our patio area as well as the greenery right outside our apartment window helped make the space feel airy. The natural light from the windows and patio door help to bring in an illumination that is buoyant yet peaceful.

(*) Walls can close off a space as well as open it up. Before our most recent rearrangement, each wall had some sort of picture hanging on it. Whether it was artwork or a family photo, the walls had adornment and it seemed to work fine as the room was designed previously. Once the furniture was moved to its new space, I realized how open and expansive the room felt without any frames nailed into the wall. There was even a slight echo that until that moment, had not been heard. The room felt clear and spacious. With the walls left uncovered, I felt like I could breathe in the space. The only item on the wall is the clock and right now that is all we need. I may add an art piece back onto a wall at some point, I may not. At this particular moment, the walls are staying unadorned.

(*) There is always something to get rid of. Decluttering is always an ongoing process. Sometimes items that you have held onto no longer hold any value. Other times, things make their way into your home that were unplanned and now it is time to get rid of it. We realized after moving things around, that we really do not like our entertainment center. It is bulky and heavy, and we don’t utilize it as we should. We have not sold it yet, but we plan to. We would like to eventually get a simple narrow console table that would work just as well and not take up nearly the same amount of space. Looking at your space from a different view helps you to notice what is working in your living space and what is not.

(*) Finally, my love for neutrals has not dissipated. Neutrals are my favorite to decorate with as they are pleasing to the eye and not jarring. I know this view is perspectival and not everyone enjoys having white walls and cream-colored sofas. That is absolutely okay. For me, neutral decor mixed with natural light gives off the calm yet cozy vibe that I am going for. It is a space to relax and just be.

Our living space reflects who we are. It is also a space to be yourself and where you literally feel “most at home”. If you are feeling the need as well to move things around in your space, go for it. The energy will feel different, and you might just learn something about yourself along the way in terms of what you find aesthetically pleasing. What do you like and what don’t you like when it comes to your style? Move a piece of furniture and find out.

The results might surprise you.

Why I’m Having a Slow Summer

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A common theme starting right around Memorial Day, is creating a summer bucket list. What are your plans? What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to accomplish? What are you going to do with your life for 8 solid weeks without a game plan? What. Are. You. Going. To. Do?

Just typing that out is exhausting and to be honest, I almost fell for the hype. I almost got sucked in. It was familiar, this keeping up with the Jones’ summer extravaganza super hyped summer palooza do all the things fun fest.

Because you see, I’ve done it before.

I have made a super summer bucket list before. I put all the things and all the activities on it and was determined that we were going to have the BEST SUMMER EVER and start the school year when all this summering was over, blissfully happy that we spent June, July, and August truly living our best sunburnt life.

What really happened was that the list exceeded what we could actually accomplish before that first bell rang on that first day of school. What happened was that days of rest were sometimes preferable to doing all the things. What happened was that I felt societal pressure to set unrealistic goals and activities without thinking of the intent behind them. What happened is that I was disappointed. No one else felt this way but the mom guilt was real. Was I still a good mom if we didn’t make sandcastles at the beach? If we didn’t eat ice cream at least twice a week, complete with said ice cream dribbling down a chocolate cone, did I fail as a person?

Never mind the fact that social media will have you believing all the smiling photos that show #bestsummerever is a true thing and unless your children are in matching swimsuits complete with matching sandals and sun-kissed faces, well you just aren’t doing it right.

Well, guess what? I am not a hashtag. I am a person. And this person is not jumping into the go-hard-or-go home mentality surrounding summer. I can’t do it all and I don’t have to. Summer is not a thing to conquer or get through. It is a season of life. I am not going to do everything perfectly, especially on 90-degree days, nor should I feel compelled to.

I am not making a list of all the things I should be doing this summer. My day-to-day and what I strive for always, is a simpler yet intentional life. That shouldn’t change simply because there are more hours of daylight to be had.

Here is what I am doing this summer:

(*) Reading. Trips to the library and the bookstore. Reading on the couch, reading outside on the patio, reading at the kitchen table while drinking tea. My daughters enjoy reading as well so you will find all three of us with a book in our hands at some point during these days.

(*) Swimming. I am not a huge spend-hours-at-the-pool kind of person, and neither is my family to be honest. But we like a quick trip to the community pool now and then so we will be there toting floaties and sunscreen until we’ve collectively had enough.

(*) Travel. We have one big family trip coming up next month. We are going to Utah for a week. Our family hasn’t been on a proper vacation in almost two years, and we are looking forward to some fun mixed with some rest and relaxation.

And that’s it.

Will there be ice cream at some point? Yes. Also, we’ve already had some so I can definitively answer this question. We will probably have some more over the next few months, but it is not a bucket list item that I need to strike through. We had some and it was fine.

We might make it to the beach, we might not. Again, the sun will continue to rise whether or not I dip my toes in the sand or just walk the pier and go home.

Life is better when we don’t try to plan every single thing and I say this as a person who likes schedules and routines. I know this about myself, and I also know summer is one of those seasons that just needs space and breathing room. There is a saying that I am probably not quoting correctly about the fact that you only have 18 summers with your children and to make them count. Making memories is important and so is being in the moment. These high temperature days are the perfect time to just let go.

We do not have to give in to pressure to have a thrilling, knock-your-socks-off kind of summer. It is okay to choose contentment and reflect on what you actually want to do and what you don’t want to do. You can choose how to use your time the best.

There is beauty in the simple.