2020 seemed to take ages to get through and 2021 seems like a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it year, and yet here we are. I am not a “resolutions” type of person because most often they don’t work and then you just end up feeling bad towards the end of January that you have zero self-control and who has time for that?
No, I like to choose a word or phrase to help me through the next twelve months and any decisions I make towards my well-being are reflected in that phrase. For 2021, I chose the phrase I Can.
Lest you think I conquered the world and was super productive and just kicked the crap out of my to-do list, I appreciate your belief in my abilities but that is not what happened. I didn’t set out to take the world by storm, but I did set out to believe in myself and stop believing the lies that my self-esteem, when battered, would tell me.
I believed I could, so I did.
What I said in January: “I can do hard things. I can do it. Self-limiting beliefs have not helped me so far, nor will they ever. No one limits me. I’ve limited myself. And I am done with that. No more ‘I can’t’, only I can”.
I choose myself. I admire people who have buckets of self-esteem and although I may never overflow with affirmations of how awesome a person I am, I believe in myself now and know that I am truly capable of doing amazing things. I took back control of my life from the periphery where it was currently existing.
Big and small, these changes added up:
(*) I worked on my anxiety
(*) I worked on my mental health
(*) I worked on my physical health
One significant thing that has helped in keeping with my healthy habits is that I no longer drink alcohol. I no longer drink and that has been beneficial to me both mentally and physically.
I also really and truly got back into blogging which has been great for connecting with different people across the board. Something I have felt as I have gotten older is that I need connection. I am a huge introvert and enjoy being at home most of all, but I am finding that I feel adrift in a raft in the middle of the ocean if I am not connecting even if it is just online (thanks post-2020 living). I missed aligning with fellow bloggers and it felt important to me to get back on track with that.
I believe that the past almost two years of pandemic living have shown us what is and isn’t working in our lives. Maybe wounds that we thought were healed were ripped right open. Maybe the way we have been living hasn’t aligned with our values. Maybe we were feeling unfulfilled. Maybe we were just tired of being tired.
I understand all of it. Sometimes we just have to start over. This I firmly believe. Instead of feeling stuck and feeling like I couldn’t make changes, I said “I can” and I did. “Giving up and starting over doesn’t mean you are less of a person because you didn’t get it right the first time. Sometimes the ‘try again and again’ part happens over and over.”
I decided this year to take a creativity course to really give me the proverbial kick in the pants to give this whole writing thing a shot. I enjoy stringing words together and expressing myself and encouraging others. Instead of lamenting that everyone else is better and who am I to think that I could do this, or do I really have the time while raising children, I just jumped in and signed up. I said I can, and I did. I responded back and said YES.
Change is hard but necessary. Changing your mindset is hard but necessary.
There have certainly been ups and downs this year. I have had to deal with my father’s declining physical heath which has been difficult mentally. Parenting during this past pandemic year has not been for the faint-hearted. Trying to keep all the proverbial balls in the air when it feels at times that you are hanging on by a thread, has indeed been difficult. I have cried so much this year. But I also have found an inner resilience that has kept me going when nothing else has. Me. I have depended on me. Who can do hard things? Me. Who gets the floor knocked out from under her but gets back up? Me. How? Why? Because I can.
I am not the same person I was even a year ago. I still have bad days but I rise stronger from them.
What I wrote exactly twelve months ago: “That in the end I am going to be okay. It means that I am taking back control of my life and that ‘survival mode’ is not a way to live. I am changing and maybe 2020 was a catalyst for that change, who knows. But I know that I can’t stay the same and that is a GOOD thing”.
Indeed it is.
Girl, you clearly CAN and CONQUERED. I am so proud of you. As someone who doesn’t always have stellar self-esteem myself and understand how it can be difficult to see yourself the way others do – I want to make sure you know that you are an AMAZING writer. And may you never ever lose sight of the gift you have.
I haven’t blogged in some time and I’d contemplated just letting go. It felt too difficult to find time to do it right. I didn’t want to do it “just because” but I also didn’t want to quit “just because” either. The connections I’ve made through blogging have sustained me through some hard times and I miss those connections more than ever. So I’m glad to see your blogging regularly because it motivates me to figure it out too because I truly have no excuse on not pursuing any of the things I want, including blogging again.
Okay, your words made me tear up… Thank you for complimenting my writing 🙂 Your words were like a beautiful ray of sunshine! Xx
I am looking forward to the day when you start blogging again, even if it is just a “hey, here’s what I’ve been up to lately”, kind of post. I miss hearing about you and what you are up to and your days with Max. Please post soon, okay? Miss you! 🙂