My friend Tanya wrote a great post this week about feeling a bit lost right now with certain aspects of her life. She spoke about having ideas and wanting to implement them but also lacking the motivation to do so. It is hard when you feel like other people are accomplishing things and you feel like you are just languishing.
My other friend Tonya (no relation, ha!) has moved from Los Angeles to Boise, Idaho, looking for a new start to her life. She felt “stuck” here in California and thought a change of scenery would be just the thing to get her proverbial gears going and forge a new and interesting chapter.
I am totally rooting for my friends as they look to make changes in their lives.
But I also root for them not just because they are my friends, but because I can and do relate.
I feel like my generation (Generation X), was told that we needed to work hard to get into college. After college, get the super well-paying job, find the person you will marry forever and ever, buy a humongous home, have some kids, live happily ever after. The end.
Oh and throw in some female empowerment because The Spice Girls told us so.
Well, fast forward to the here and now and all of us Gen-Xers are in our 40’s and for many of us, we are saying what the hell happened? What am I doing? This life has not gone at all like I expected.
I did everything right.
I followed the rules.
I trusted my intuition.
I did what I was supposed to do.
Why am I unhappy?
And if unhappy is too strong of a word, why do I feel unfulfilled?
This is the part of the post where I say that I do not have the answers nor do I know anyone who does.
But I am putting this all down in writing because I need to get this out. I need to speak what is rolling around in my brain when it is not being diluted by super-happy images of people living their best super-happy lives on social media and/or television.
Because the truth of the matter is that life is not all unicorns and rainbows and I am sure by the time you are old enough to remember watching Molly Ringwald movies in an actual movie theater, you know this.
I think as women, we were sold a bill of goods. We are supposed to have a fantastic career, fantastic husband and children, fantastic home, fantastic friends and family, fantastic coming out of the wazoo, if you catch my drift.
When one of these supremely awesome fantastic things doesn’t happen, we wonder what went wrong with the plans. Here, let me look at that blueprint again, and see where I messed up, so I can course correct and get back on track.
But that is not how life is. That is not how life works. And it doesn’t take into consideration things that happen that are out of your control. We have had happen to us or know someone that it has happened to them, things that occurred that were out of their control, whether it is a job loss, depression, debt, infidelity, infertility, substance abuse, etc… These things that happen to people, are not in the blueprint that we created for our lives.
And yet they happen every day.
For me personally, I feel bad that we lost our home 8 years ago. When the recession descended upon our country, it took my house right along with it. I feel bad, not every day, but most days, that I do not have an actual home for my girls to grow up in, and that we are in an apartment and do not have a backyard. It kills me as a parent that I am unable to provide this for my girls.
And yet I know that losing my home does not define who I am. It does not define me as a person. But some days, the shame washes over me and I feel baaaaaaaad.
Just as having depression does not define who I am, neither should not having a home. I am blessed in other ways and I know that. But my point is, plans go awry. And that is where the lack of motivation, the inability to move forward, and the feeling of ineptitude to overcome, just come roaring in.
If you feel like your life’s blueprint has gone missing, I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I am here and I hear you.
I too, feel lost.
I too, feel unmotivated.
I too, feel unqualified.
But deep down , I feel the flicker of a flame. I feel this thing that just won’t let go. I feel this voice inside me that is screaming for me not to give up and to implement Phase Two, whatever that is.
Direction is moving forward.
My steps may be tiny, but my inner voice is mighty.
We can do this. Who’s with me?
Oh Mackenzie. Girl, you know I can relate to every, single sentence you beautifully wrote here. We were sold a terrible lie as little girls. That if we followed these simple steps that everything would fall into place. But life. Oh life. It’s wacky and weird and even if you have all the ingredients and mix everything according to instructions, it still won’t turn out as promised. I’ve come to realize, slowly and painfully, that life is never settled. Never perfect. Nobody really lives that perfect Instagram life, no matter what.
I feel such an ache in me because I’m someone who grew up with that idea of I was supposed to be “this” and now I don’t want to be “this” but I’m not sure who I am. What makes me happy or fulfilled. I’m someone who when she has a clear goal/vision, is aggressive in my pursuit and successful in obtaining but when I’m lost, like now, I feel adrift. Rudderless.
And I’m still not sure if I’m being sold a load of crap because when I still think of the future, it’s rosy but also a bit of a lie, you know. The kind where everything is perfect and suddenly I’m like four inches taller without heels on. But I do know that I have that light too. It flickers more than I’d like and some days it’s completely turned off but it exists. I know it. And like you, I’m committed to lighting that flame and seeing it burn. My fears are real. My anxiety is real. But so are my dreams. And so is my power.
You and I – we got this!
“I’m someone who when she has a clear goal/vision, is aggressive in my pursuit and successful in obtaining but when I’m lost, like now, I feel adrift. Rudderless” I love what you said here Tanya. I feel the same.
I believe that however long it takes, we are going to push through this. Xo
“But deep down , I feel the flicker of a flame. I feel this thing that just won’t let go. I feel this voice inside me that is screaming for me not to give up and to implement Phase Two, whatever that is.” Amen to that! I really do believe that flicker of a flame is a loving God whose voice IS saying not to give up and who won’t let go – of you. I understand what it is to follow the program and feel unfulfilled. When crap hits the fan, it challenges us to release control of the overarching narrative of our lives and instead to respond to life – step by authentic step – without knowing where it’s going. I have thrown any expectation of “happily ever after” into the garbage where it belongs. I believe your loss of your home is something that you will look back upon in the years to come with enormous gratitude. We can do this 🙂 You can do this!
Oh Ruth… I always look forward to your comments. I wish I knew you in “real life” because I feel like you could be my real-life mentor, someone that has walked through tough seasons of life and can offer me some advice and insight. Thank you my sweet friend, for your insightful and wonderful comment. Bless you… xo…