Really feeling the need to share what is on my heart right now…
As most of you know, I had a baby back in December. All was right in the world. I had my family, I was starting to eat right, I even managed to get in a few blog posts! I thought, hey, I got this! I can manage all of the things and I am Superwoman.
But the reality is, is that nothing was really okay. I thought it was and maybe on the outside, it looked like that, but it wasn’t.
It took my husband to point out to me my mood swings and constant crying and dark thoughts were all symptomatic of post-partum depression. I didn’t realize it because I didn’t have post-partum depression after the birth of my first child and also, I already suffer from depression as it is, and didn’t realize the volatility of my current situation.
If you are a new reader, then yes you may not know that depression is a part of my life.
I wish, from the bottom of my heart, that this wasn’t the case, but I know, it is true.
I don’t know who I am without you…
I had a tumultuous childhood. I had a lot of stuff happen in my life at a time when the real world shouldn’t intrude the way it did. I am not going to go into any kind of specifics because they are private and personal. But needless to say, I found myself “retreating” from others for reasons unbeknownst to me, and feeling sad for days at a time. These feelings would “magically” go away, until the next time they came knocking at my door, and I felt the sadness envelop me once again.
This cycle had been the blueprint for my entire life until one day, I broke.
In every way possible a person can mentally brake, I did.
And I realized that this thing, whatever it was, it was bigger than me. The beast needed to be tamed, and I needed help in doing just that.
With the help of my wonderful husband, a caring psychologist, and medication, I began to put my life back together.
This was years ago and there have been dark days since then and that is the truth. Depression doesn’t just “go away”. It is always there, for lack of a better term, “lurking”. As people who deal with depression, we have to have tools in place, so that when the dark days come, we can better cope.
I don’t know who I am without you…
My whole life, whether I was aware of it or not, I have dealt with depression. I don’t know really, who I am, without it. It is a part of me, like an extra appendage.
All this to say that when I was made aware of this different kind of depression, this un yet mitigated for me post-partum variety, I was defiant and also at the same time resigned.
“I don’t have post-partum depression. I am fine!!!!”
“Oh no, not another depression. Why is this happening???”
Suffice to say, I realized that everything I was feeling, the everything is off-kilter feeling, the everything is wrong feeling, the uncontrollable sobbing, it was all true and I acknowledged it and attempted to move forward.
I am here.
It has been a tough road, I’ll be honest with you.
I have had to dig deep into reservoirs I didn’t even know I had. I had to trust myself and trust God. I have had to make changes in my life that are still new to me.
But I am here on the other side.
I just wanted to share a bit of me and who I am because I feel it is important. Blogs and social media tend to show the highlights and glossy side of life, but there is always an underbelly.
Thank you for reading ♥
Thanks for your honesty, Mackenzie. It’s not an easy thing to share. Your awareness and your husband’s support are two wonderful things you have working for you. I believe that with time, as your baby sleeps more regularly and starts to communicate, your own sleep and daily patterns will become more stable and predictable. These things go a long way in bringing back the balance that people like us need. You make reference to your faith, and I hope that you really do believe that your value is not in your performance, your mood, or your own resourcefulness – it rests entirely in God’s unconditional love for you. I hope that you can also trust that depression, when well managed, has its strength. Research indicates that people with low levels of depression are more empathetic than people without any. That empathy can have great value, and I believe that you will find this plays out in your own life. Take care, Mackenzie. You are brave for sharing this.
Thank you for your lovely response Ruth. It made me cry. I appreciate your words and friendship. It means a lot to me to know that even online, we can “meet” people who truly understand what we are going through at any given time. My faith quite honestly, has pulled me through more than anything. I had to give it all to Him because this depression was so hard.
Hugs to you Ruth…thank you for being there for me, my friend. XO
Oh Mackenzie. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Please know that I am always here for you. Just a phone call, email, text or a short drive away. And I’m cool with just sitting there, saying nothing, because sometimes you don’t want to say anything but just need to know someone cares, someone understands and that you matter. And you do.
Thank you for sharing because you are not alone. While I enjoy social media (most of the time), people always seem to portray these super, happy lives, which are often times highly curated moments. And as I private person, I definitely understand we get to pick and chose what we want to publicly share but when we only highlight the amazing, sublime, envy-inducing moments, we create a false expectation of what life looks like, not only to others but also to ourselves. Because life is never 100% amazing 24/7.
Also I had to laugh at the “I am fine!” – I do that all the time. And then oops. Not so fine. Depression is the ultimate lurker and jerk. And like you, I’ve come to realize that depression has been a part of my life since I was in 7th grade. I just didn’t understand what it was back then. It is a part of me, an unwanted constant companion, that we learn to live with and accept, knowing that there will be dark moments (that seem endless at times) but also that we can thrive, love, laugh, succeed and be happy too. I’m here for you, my friend.
Depression is a JERK. It is just awful and messes with you so much. This was a tough road for me and I felt it was important to share what I went through because there is still this stigma, even in 2018, not to talk about depression. Not talking about it makes it worse. It grows in the darkness.
Thank you Tanya, for always being there for me. I appreciate it so much and I can’t wait to meet you “in real life”. I am always here for you too, my friend. XO